It’s ok to not be ok.
I’m eleven weeks pregnant in this photo.
Long enough that the bloat meant my pants wouldn’t fit.
Long enough for a dot to grow to the size of a lime.
Long enough for plans to blossom and dreams to grow.
Only it was all a cruel trick. The baby, my little Sweet Pea was only the size of an actual sweet pea, my body had yet to recognize the loss.
I opted to wait for a natural miscarriage, to carry on life until the inevitable end. Only it didn’t.
For eight long weeks, we waited. Every week the same: an ultrasound and the news nothing had changed. Eight long weeks of carrying a child I would never know beyond the changes being created in my body- the severe nauseous, the bloating, the hormonal changes, all the typical symptoms of pregnancy but none of the joy to be found at the end.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jer. 29:11
How does one cling to this truth when carrying a lifeless being within? How does one go from being a mum to every moment blaming yourself for being unable to support the little one’s life? To society, having a baby makes you a mum- losing one makes you a statistic.
“According to the March of Dimes, as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.” WebMD
What a statistic doesn’t tell you is everyone is different, how every story is unique, how every moment grouped together is completely individual. I didn’t have the miscarriage that was announced by blood loss. I didn’t have the miscarriage that was late term. I didn’t have a miscarriage due to eating sushi or drinking or deli meat. It wasn’t managed by Advil, it didn’t feel like cramping, it wasn’t over in a few hours. My miscarriage was “missed”. It was three rounds of labor inducing medication, several ER trips, dozens of prescription pain killers and ivs, and two months of bed rest. My miscarriage was finding out I was pregnant on our three year anniversary and surgery two days before my birthday. My miscarriage lasted into what should have well into my second trimester.
I didn’t just lose our Sweet Pea; I lost myself.
I hated my body: first for failing to keep my baby alive and second for failing to recognize the loss of my baby.
How does one recover from the loss of their physical and mental self?
I don’t know.
I’m not writing this with an answer. I’m not writing this for pity. I’m writing this to support the so called statistics. I’m writing this for every woman who has ever lost a pregnancy. I’m writing this to say:
It’s ok to not be ok.
It’s ok to not understand, to be angry, to be hurt, to feel lost. Through it all, the dark nights, the hard days, the tears BE KIND to yourself. Cancel all the plans, curl up in a ball buried under the blankets, turn off your phone. I cannot stress how important giving yourself time is. Time does not heal all as the old saying goes, rather it just gives you better ways to cope with the pain. Listen to your time- to how you feel, not how a doctor or a blog or a forum tells you that you should be feeling. You are not a statistic, you are your own story.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4
I’m not ok.
I don’t know when I’ll be.
Until that day, I will continue to mourn, to value deeper the ones I love, and to search for ways to understand.
PS: Here are two reads that have helped me not feel alone in this:
Melissa Rouch shares so many thoughts and feelings I thought I was alone with.
Leandra from The Man Repeller shares more on the self-compassion that is so important post miscarriage.
I found out at 12 weeks my baby had died 2 weeks before. Since I was the main bread winner and had to work 50-60 hour weeks I opted for a D&C. I still grieve twice a year date of the D&C and a couple weeks before, and then the due date. I can’t imagine how long you carried and how hard that was. (((HUGS))) it is amazing how little this topic or this type of miscarriage is talked about. Plus dealing with it is next to impossible, you feel like you failed your baby and your body did. It’s a hard healing process and 10 years later it still is hard.
I too had 2 miscarriages after my first child. It totally consumed me for many years. I went on to have 2 more healthy girls, never give up hope and grieve as you need to grieve. Sharing is a great way of doing that.
I’m so sad to hear about your loss but I’m sure it made having your girls even sweeter! Thank you for taking the time to share. ?
I totally agree with you – that it is totally okay to NOT be okay! This is such a difficult struggle, but you are right that it is sadly very common. Take some time to grieve but know that you very well may have success in the future! I am sorry to hear about what you are going through but wish you the best of luck!
Thank you for the support and love! I feel that in the US- especially women- are always told to push through and conquer all. I wish there was more awareness that it’s OK to break down and stop.
Kait <3 you are truly an amazing woman! I can't say anything that's going to make you feel better. Although a much different situation than yours, I had a miscarriage around 5 weeks, and we tried for our second child for almost 3 years. The pain of finally being pregnant and then a week later realizing my body was terminating the pregnancy was devastating. It's unbarable to lose an unborn child. I'll never forget the lines fading ever day on each test I took, and where I was and when it happened. The only positive for me from that whole experience, is that (finally) my precious second daughter Brooklyn is here, and maybe she wouldn't be if that all didn't happen. Because of that experience I savor every moment with her, and it's created an amazing bond that I KNOW one day you will have when you become a mom. My heart goes out to you, it's HARD and you definitely feel alone. Know that you are not alone and if you ever need to chat or just need a sounding board, feel free to reach out! So much love to you!! Xo, Stefanie
Your comment brought tears to my eyes, Stefanie. Thank you for opening and sharing your story! The alone feeling is so real, as is the emptiness that even comes in a very visceral and physical manner- but stories like yours let me know I’m not as alone in this as it feels at times. Both of your girls are so beautiful (just like their mama)! Thank you love and the same goes for you- I’m just a DM away!
When I was a kid I always had my little vacation and stayed with my aunt and uncle over summer or any school breaks. Aunt Margot, a Kindergarten teacher, and I always had a blast. On one of my visits my aunt was pregnant and her and her husband were over the moon. They wanted a big family!
One morning Aunt Margot left early in the morning for her doctors appointment and when she came back she was crying and distraught. She miscarried. That was one of about 4 miscarriages. I remember this so vividly because it had a huge impact on her and even as a kid I could feel her pain.
Uncle Ott and Aunt Margot had 3 healthy babies, I have three cousins, Christine is the oldest, she is in her mid thirties. Johannes is 31. Philipp is still in his twenties. Hang in there Kait! <3
Melanie, your story about your aunt was so heartbreaking. I too used to go see my aunt and uncle every year as well, it was always such a special time and place for me. Thank you for sharing the hope that came at the end for them!
Oh Is it, thank you for being so brave and sharing your personal life with us. You’re not alone, I went through a similar situation and it is life changing but know you will be ok and so much stronger. XO
Oh Mayra, I’m so sorry to hear that you also went through this. I believe you in my heart and am working everyday to get to that point. xo
Kait, my heart breaks for you! I can’t even imagine the strength it took to write this– thank you for sharing. May Jesus wrap you in His arms as you weep and mourn the loss of your Sweet Pea. He is your Peace! Thinking and praying for you.
Meaghan, your comment brought tears to my eyes. Being wrapped in His arms is the only way I am getting through this. Thank you love!
Babe always remember this …
“God gives his toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.” You are strong and God has a perfect plan for Your life babe. Thank you for sharing this with us. I love you gorgeous. Xx
This is a wonderful perspective Raysa! Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me- you are such a beam of light! Love you and following your journey. Sending a ton of hugs!
My dear friend,
You are so strong. So loved. So genuine. So cared for. I’m so very proud of you. I am so very honored to know you. I know this post will help others.
I love you babe! Sending you hugs and prayers. ?
Baby girl, your strength and honesty is the most inspirational thing I have ever come across. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You are a light and you are not alone.Praying for you.
Thank you Krista. Your words mean so much to me!
Much love, hugs and kisses.
I love you too Mums! ?
I am SO sorry you had to endure this. I had a really hard time reading this because I feel so much empathy to you and your husband. I am praying your body and your soul can overcome such a tragedy and be able to move on. Remember you are not alone, and you are not a statistic. Stay strong <3
I’m sending so much empathy back to you and Scott with the deployment! Thank you for always bringing a smile to my face and for having such relatable “salty” moments. Hugs!!!!